Mixed Feelings

The end is approaching, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Had you asked me just last week, "How do you feel about going home?" I would have responded, "I can't wait! I'm looking forward to EVERYTHING, and I am ready to leave Korea. It's been good, for sure...but I'm tired of being a foreigner, I'm tired of not fitting in, I'm tired of teaching young children, I'm tired of playing Pokemon with my host sisters (24/7), I'm just plain tired..."

Now...my response might be a little different. What changed? As soon as June changed into July, leaving became REAL. Before, leaving felt like a distant dream, a distant reality that might never come true, making me long for home all the more. But now that I truly, truly am leaving, I recognize a mix of feelings rising within me: Excitement, sadness, confusion, anticipation, happiness.

My oldest and youngest host sisters

I am happy, excited and anticipating home, because I have missed my family, friends and familiar surroundings. On July 21st, I get to go home to Germany, and then I get to go home to Austria, and then home to France, and in August, home to America. I have so many places I can call home, and I am excited to see the places and the people connected to them.

I am sad about going home, because I will truly, truly miss my host family and the friends I have made here. My host family has been a huge blessing, and they have helped me throughout some of the struggles of adapting to a new way of life. My friends also, most of them Fulbright ETAs themselves, have helped in sharing the difficulties and joys of teaching in this culture, and I will miss them.
On top of that, I will be giving up some of my independence, I will have people (family) relying on my again (more than my host family does at least), seeking my attention, and I can't simply give the excuse that I don't understand English or German. Moreover, my summer at home will be very short, and so I want to, and my family wants to, spend as much time together as possible...but I can feel in my bones that I will need alone time...and I'm not sure how to balance that with all the people I want to, and should, meet.

Another thing I will miss...sorta: One of the hardest things about living in Korea, has been not really understanding,or speaking the language. But this has also been a great freedom I have come to enjoy. I have been able to be alone with my thoughts, to sit in a the conference room at work, tuning out, day dreaming, pretty much forgetting to listen to my surroundings, because I don't understand Korean anyway. Most of the time I do try to pay attention, after all, I want to learn Korean, and listening is a great way to practice. But I have the freedom to zone out, and nobody cares. I have the freedom to be alone with my thoughts. It will take some effort at first to adapt to understanding everything that goes on around me. At first, it will drain me emotionally, and I am a little nervous about that.

Lastly, I am sad to say goodbye to Korea. It is a beautiful country, and a fascinating culture that is so different from any of my other cultures (French, German, American). The differences have been hard, and there are some differences I don't agree with, but now that I am leaving, the thought of maybe never coming back makes me sad.

With some 2nd graders who came to visit me at my desk

Well, bottom line, I have 14 more days in this country, and I want to make the most of them. And this summer, I want to make the most of my time in Europe- and grad school, the most of grad school. One thing I think God has been teaching me my whole life, through experiences in Korea and beyond is to live in the present, thanking Him for each day wherever we are.

Travel sketches

Throughout the grant year I have been keeping up my travel sketchbook. have almost filled my journal with sketches of all the places I have visited. Mostly I have traveled in Korea, but I also included some sketches from my winter trip to Japan. Below you can find a sample of the kind of sketches I've done.

I travel sketch for several reasons:
1. It is entertaining. I am never bored if I have paper and pen.
2. It is a way to remember. When I sketch something, regardless of the quality of my sketch, I remember the place better than if I were to take a hundred selfies in front of it.
3. In our age of photography, I find that photos often loose meaning for me. Moreover, I am not a good photographer. My photos are always out of focus, have no objective and lack creativity. My sketches are different, and I like knowing that there is only one of them.

I started my journal with a self portrait, done in September at my desk in school.

This is an old fortress in my city, Cheongju.

This is Seongri-san, about one hour from my city. My host family took me here in October.

Reeds, Suncheon Bay. November 2016

I love going to coffee shops in Korea, and this one is walking distance from my house.

Visiting my friend, Elsa, in Japan. December-January

Mount Fuji was visible from the mountain we climbed to see the first sunrise of the year. January 1st, 2017

The architecture museum in Tokyo

Mixing old with new, in Seoul. Feb. 2017

A visit to Gyeongbukgung (palace) in Seoul, with my mom. March 2017

Fulbright conference in Jeju, April 2017

Jeju

The Bamboo forest in Damyang, May 2017

Beoseong Green Tea Festival, May 2017

Green tea fields, Boseong, May 2017

Jeju Paradise

A few weeks ago, mid-April, Fulbright Korea held the annual spring-conference for all researchers and ETAs on the beautiful island of Jeju.
The conference lasted three days, and included numerous workshops about teaching, and culture, as well as time to connect with fellow Fulbrighters.

The conference was refreshing for two reasons:
1. I have not failed as a teacher. Discussing teaching techniques in workshop, and with fellow ETAs,  made me realize that I love my students as much as other teachers, I try as hard as other teachers, and I use many of the same games, and teaching techniques as other teachers. So in other words, while that doesn't make me an amazing teacher, it means that I am no worse and no better than other teachers; simply walking on the path of learning.

2. It was wonderful to spend an entire weekend speaking English. This might sound simple, or even obvious, but I had forgotten how much I love to talk and listen, and truly understand. My Korean skills are very limited, so while I can communicate enough to get by, in every day life I am more of an observer than participant. And it is tiring.

As refreshing as it was to communicate in my own language again, it was also a double edged sword, because I came back from the conference more aware of all the ways in which my Korean skills limit my ability to truly communicate and interact with my host family and co-workers. This frustration has been hard to deal with, and it has taken almost three weeks to arrive again at the quiet acceptance of my lack of communication skills, that I had before the conference.

The Koi pond at the hotel

Anyway, the best part of the weekend was the hotel, a five-star, luxurious building that included everything from koi ponds to golden, embossed elevators.
I think the best way to summarize the weekend is to share some photos below.

Jeju is famous for oranges

Traditional performance

Visiting with friends

Seongsang Ilchulbong is an old volcano at the edge of the island, and now a UNESCO World Heritage Site

The weather, sadly, was not very clear, but still the view was breathtaking.