The End Has Come

*Disclaimer: This post will be mostly about my host family. Scroll down for pictures.

Today is my last day in Korea.
For a while there, it felt like I would never, ever get a chance to write the above sentence. At times, this past year seemed to crawl at a snail's pace. But then the end came and looking back this year has indeed past quickly.

It's been filled with so many fun adventures and challenging experiences that have helped me grow and prepare for the future. I feel better equipped to begin seminary in the fall, I feel confirmed in my long-term goal of teaching at a University level, and I discovered that I am ready to settle down somewhere for longer than a semester or two. I want to have a chance to have house plants and join a book club.

But despite my excitement for the next steps God has planned for me, the best word to sum up my emotion today is: nauseous. I feel nauseous, queasy at the thought of leaving tomorrow. Part of it is the usual anticipation of airport stress, part of it is the thought that I might never come back to Korea (at least not in the foreseeable future). But most of it is realizing that I have to say goodbye to my host family, and the life I have built with them.

When I first met my host family almost a year ago, I knew God had provided a good home for me. I just didn't know in what way yet. All five of them have helped me, often without realizing it, through the difficulties of adjusting to Korean life.

• My host dad has a great sense of humor, and is not afraid of joking with me, despite my lack of Korean skills. He also has a never ending supply of patience listening to me explain something in broken Korean, throwing in a few English words and deciphering my intended meaning. 
• My host mom is calm and steady, and easy to approach when I have questions about Korean culture. I do not have to be afraid of offending her with culturally insensitive questions. 
• My oldest host sister shares her love for piano with me by showing me what she is learning, and letting me teach her some of what I know. We go to piano lessons together, and it has been a highlight of my year. 
• My middle host sister has a passion for bugs and would rather build something with legos or paper, instead of drawing or playing make-belief. She combines these passions by constructing paper bugs. She let me help her build bugs from her construction set. (A great honor)
• My youngest host sister (only 4) loves to practice English songs she is learning in Kindergarden, and then correcting my English when I don't "say it right" ('cause she knows sooooo much more English than I do...). Yesterday she corrected my English while reading a children's book to her...I don't think she understand the concept of "native speaker".

Whenever I came home from a hard day I could count on my host sisters' constant chatter and cheerful dispositions to distract me from my stress. Granted, sometimes I would feel frustration at never being alone, or never having privacy. But looking back, I didn't really need alone time or privacy as much as I thought. Instead, the girls have taught me patience, how to relate to children, and to be more flexible in the little things.

I have come to the end of my blog post that ended up being more of a homage to my host family than anything else!^^ But, I don't feel nauseous anymore! I think a big part of the stress of today is that I want to show my host family my appreciation and thankfulness for everything they have done for me...but my Korean skills aren't sufficient for much more than a, "reallllllly, really thank you".  But maybe that is enough.

My middle host sister also likes to practice English with me. The get these vocab cards in Kindergarden.

My oldest host sister with our piano teacher, who was so sweet and patience with my Korean skills!

The two youngest. These poses somewhat describe their personalities!^^

The entire host fam+me getting a foot bath together.

My youngest host sister wanted me to take a picture of her drawing.

 My host family took me to a beach resort my last weekend in Korea.

My oldest host sis

My host mom and two youngest host sisters getting ready to go to the beach. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mixed Feelings

The end is approaching, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Had you asked me just last week, "How do you feel about going home?" I would have responded, "I can't wait! I'm looking forward to EVERYTHING, and I am ready to leave Korea. It's been good, for sure...but I'm tired of being a foreigner, I'm tired of not fitting in, I'm tired of teaching young children, I'm tired of playing Pokemon with my host sisters (24/7), I'm just plain tired..."

Now...my response might be a little different. What changed? As soon as June changed into July, leaving became REAL. Before, leaving felt like a distant dream, a distant reality that might never come true, making me long for home all the more. But now that I truly, truly am leaving, I recognize a mix of feelings rising within me: Excitement, sadness, confusion, anticipation, happiness.

My oldest and youngest host sisters

I am happy, excited and anticipating home, because I have missed my family, friends and familiar surroundings. On July 21st, I get to go home to Germany, and then I get to go home to Austria, and then home to France, and in August, home to America. I have so many places I can call home, and I am excited to see the places and the people connected to them.

I am sad about going home, because I will truly, truly miss my host family and the friends I have made here. My host family has been a huge blessing, and they have helped me throughout some of the struggles of adapting to a new way of life. My friends also, most of them Fulbright ETAs themselves, have helped in sharing the difficulties and joys of teaching in this culture, and I will miss them.
On top of that, I will be giving up some of my independence, I will have people (family) relying on my again (more than my host family does at least), seeking my attention, and I can't simply give the excuse that I don't understand English or German. Moreover, my summer at home will be very short, and so I want to, and my family wants to, spend as much time together as possible...but I can feel in my bones that I will need alone time...and I'm not sure how to balance that with all the people I want to, and should, meet.

Another thing I will miss...sorta: One of the hardest things about living in Korea, has been not really understanding,or speaking the language. But this has also been a great freedom I have come to enjoy. I have been able to be alone with my thoughts, to sit in a the conference room at work, tuning out, day dreaming, pretty much forgetting to listen to my surroundings, because I don't understand Korean anyway. Most of the time I do try to pay attention, after all, I want to learn Korean, and listening is a great way to practice. But I have the freedom to zone out, and nobody cares. I have the freedom to be alone with my thoughts. It will take some effort at first to adapt to understanding everything that goes on around me. At first, it will drain me emotionally, and I am a little nervous about that.

Lastly, I am sad to say goodbye to Korea. It is a beautiful country, and a fascinating culture that is so different from any of my other cultures (French, German, American). The differences have been hard, and there are some differences I don't agree with, but now that I am leaving, the thought of maybe never coming back makes me sad.

With some 2nd graders who came to visit me at my desk

Well, bottom line, I have 14 more days in this country, and I want to make the most of them. And this summer, I want to make the most of my time in Europe- and grad school, the most of grad school. One thing I think God has been teaching me my whole life, through experiences in Korea and beyond is to live in the present, thanking Him for each day wherever we are.

Summer is Coming

After what seems like weeks, I have finally found a moment to slip away from my adorable, but demanding host sisters, to sit in my favorite coffee shop and try to formulate my thoughts into words.

The oldest and youngest host sisters (8,4) at our day at the park

Let me start by recounting a conversation my host parents and I had a few weeks ago. It went like this:
Host dad: Tessa, we have a problem.
Me: Really? What can I do?
Host dad: Can we fly to France with you in July?
-on the inside, I'm like, "Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm------------"
Me: Yes...but I am not flying to France, I am visiting my grandmother in Germany.
Host dad: Hmm, when are you in France?
Me: August.
-here my host dad and host mom exchange looks and speak non-verbally
Host dad: Can we come in August?
Me: Sure!

And just like that it will be my turn to host my host-family for one week in August. I am excited for this, but I am also aware it will cut my time with my family a bit short, and leave me quite tired, right before my studies at Gordon-Conwell start...especially because my host mom cannot come, leaving me to share my host dad's burden of being sole entertainment providers for my host sisters (aged 8,6,4).

Jeungpyeong country side

My host family's upcoming trip to Europe has left the girls very excited. Every day they ask questions about what life in Europe is like. Often at the dinner table I will get questions like, "Do they have rice in Europe?" "Do they like spicy food?" "Do they have seaweed?"

A trip to the country side with my host family

Just recently the eldest makes me watch baking videos with her. Not just your average muffin, or cookie either, but elaborate recipes of unicorn cupcakes and kakao-talk animal muffins. She asks me after each one, "Can we make this in France?" Since their trip to my home is two months away, and I don't really know what we can and can't make, I don't want to say no yet. But it has gotten to the point where the list of things she wants to make includes:

• kakao-talk muffins
• unicorn cupcakes
• totoro pudding
• Lion (Korean character) cookies
• Spongebob cookies
• Pokemon cake

Now anyone looking at that list could tell that even making one item would involve a bit of work...add to that the fact that my host sisters are all under the age of 10, and don't know how to bake...recipe for disaster...

Lastly, one thing that has been on my mind a lot, partially because of my host family's trip to Europe, is Europe itself. In light of the London attacks that have happened over the past three months my host mom asked me the other day, "Is Europe safe?" Even just a year ago I would have replied without hesitation, "Absolutely. You don't have to be afraid when you visit Europe, nothing bad will happen to you."
Now the answer is so much more complicated, because yes, I still believe Europe is much safer than certain parts of the world, but one thing is clear: It is not the Europe of my childhood anymore. And this makes me sad.

A view of my neighborhood. My house is behind the white one in the middle of the picture.

Teaching: Things that Work and Things that Don't

I decided to put together a list that includes some of my key experiences with teaching:

• Games. Lots and lots of games. I teach at Elementary school, which means I teach grades 3-6. The games I use are usually simple like Pass the Ball, Simon Says, 4 Corners, or other traditional ESL games. 

• What works: PPTs with a lot of special effects and funny pictures (the love pokemon, and other anime). If you find one game that is a crowd pleaser, it is ok to play it again, and again, and again... My students love BINGO, always a classic, and they ask to play it repeatedly. 

• What doesn't work: In most of my classes my co-teacher prefers not to translate my English. This means that more involved games, like Mafia, or something like running dictation are hard to explain. I have had some very awkward instances where students have no clue what is going on...but I have also learned from mistakes and now, I always use detailed ppts with pictures for instructions.

• Discipline. Elementary kids are great, because (at least in Korea) they are young enough to still respect you, and are in fact quite awed that a foreigner is even talking to them. This has worked to my advantage in the sense that I have not had to worry about discipline too much.

• What works: Sometimes, when my kids get too excited during a game, or are just not paying attention, I use this attention getter: "Eyes on me!" and they say "Eyes on you!" This is so ingrained in them, and really works. My school implements a reward system, so I will tell them, if I have to say "Eyes on me" three times before the quiet down, they will get points subtracted. This really works to keep them quiet and paying attention.
• Depending on the class, I will give them the silent treatment, which involves me staring them down, not saying a word until they realize I am not happy with them.

• What doesn't work: I have tried, and failed to talk to my kids about why they should be quiet, respect each other, etc. Maybe if my kids were older, I could actually talk to them about concepts such as respect, etc. But  I don't speak enough Korean, they don't speak enough English to really get the point across, and especially my 3rd graders are still so young. It is easier to simply set clear boundaries about class room behavior, and establish the consequences if the rules aren't followed
 

 

• Co-teachers. In Korea, at least for Elementary ETAs, we work with co-teachers. At my school I have a co-teacher for each grade I teach. Each co-teacher has a unique style of teaching, and so your team work will be different. But I have found some things to generally be the same across the board.

• What works: Bigger, complicated games. With my 5th grade co-teacher we did a running dictation where we went outside and let the kids literally run across the entire sport's field. This was great for the kids, and we were able to manage it because there were two teachers, instead of just one. Another thing that works with co-teachers is to split up teaching. What I mean by this, is that I usually let my co-teachers explain grammar points. This is helpful for my students, because they need to understand the grammar in their own language first. 

• What doesn't work: For me, it has not been effective to teach grammar points in English, because my students don't really understand, they just memorize what I say. This might have to do with the young age, and limited English skills of my students. Another thing that hasn't worked with my co-teachers is for them to instruct me in teaching. When I first started teaching I looked forward to learning from my co-teachers, and having some feedback on my own teaching. This hasn't happened, mostly due to my co-teachers' personalities and the work culture in Korea. I have had to learn from observing, and adjust my teaching based on the reactions I get from co-teachers. This has been hard.

Travel sketches

Throughout the grant year I have been keeping up my travel sketchbook. have almost filled my journal with sketches of all the places I have visited. Mostly I have traveled in Korea, but I also included some sketches from my winter trip to Japan. Below you can find a sample of the kind of sketches I've done.

I travel sketch for several reasons:
1. It is entertaining. I am never bored if I have paper and pen.
2. It is a way to remember. When I sketch something, regardless of the quality of my sketch, I remember the place better than if I were to take a hundred selfies in front of it.
3. In our age of photography, I find that photos often loose meaning for me. Moreover, I am not a good photographer. My photos are always out of focus, have no objective and lack creativity. My sketches are different, and I like knowing that there is only one of them.

I started my journal with a self portrait, done in September at my desk in school.

This is an old fortress in my city, Cheongju.

This is Seongri-san, about one hour from my city. My host family took me here in October.

Reeds, Suncheon Bay. November 2016

I love going to coffee shops in Korea, and this one is walking distance from my house.

Visiting my friend, Elsa, in Japan. December-January

Mount Fuji was visible from the mountain we climbed to see the first sunrise of the year. January 1st, 2017

The architecture museum in Tokyo

Mixing old with new, in Seoul. Feb. 2017

A visit to Gyeongbukgung (palace) in Seoul, with my mom. March 2017

Fulbright conference in Jeju, April 2017

Jeju

The Bamboo forest in Damyang, May 2017

Beoseong Green Tea Festival, May 2017

Green tea fields, Boseong, May 2017

Jeju Paradise

A few weeks ago, mid-April, Fulbright Korea held the annual spring-conference for all researchers and ETAs on the beautiful island of Jeju.
The conference lasted three days, and included numerous workshops about teaching, and culture, as well as time to connect with fellow Fulbrighters.

The conference was refreshing for two reasons:
1. I have not failed as a teacher. Discussing teaching techniques in workshop, and with fellow ETAs,  made me realize that I love my students as much as other teachers, I try as hard as other teachers, and I use many of the same games, and teaching techniques as other teachers. So in other words, while that doesn't make me an amazing teacher, it means that I am no worse and no better than other teachers; simply walking on the path of learning.

2. It was wonderful to spend an entire weekend speaking English. This might sound simple, or even obvious, but I had forgotten how much I love to talk and listen, and truly understand. My Korean skills are very limited, so while I can communicate enough to get by, in every day life I am more of an observer than participant. And it is tiring.

As refreshing as it was to communicate in my own language again, it was also a double edged sword, because I came back from the conference more aware of all the ways in which my Korean skills limit my ability to truly communicate and interact with my host family and co-workers. This frustration has been hard to deal with, and it has taken almost three weeks to arrive again at the quiet acceptance of my lack of communication skills, that I had before the conference.

The Koi pond at the hotel

Anyway, the best part of the weekend was the hotel, a five-star, luxurious building that included everything from koi ponds to golden, embossed elevators.
I think the best way to summarize the weekend is to share some photos below.

Jeju is famous for oranges

Traditional performance

Visiting with friends

Seongsang Ilchulbong is an old volcano at the edge of the island, and now a UNESCO World Heritage Site

The weather, sadly, was not very clear, but still the view was breathtaking.

"Where are you from?"

I was walking to the bus station this morning, listening to my brother's music, when his use of French, German, and English, all in one song, reminded me again of our rather unorthodox upbringing, and the impact it has had on us to this day.

Absam, Tirol-where we last lived before moving to France

Of course, everyone's childhood defines who they are as an adult. But for my brothers and me, I wonder if growing up in two different countries with two entirely different passport countries, hasn't left a deeper mark on us, than say if we had been born and raised in one country.

My daily walk home to Absam from Hall, where I went to public school in 9th grade.

My reason for this is: How many people, if they are honest, find the question "Where are you from?" complicated? How many people get heart palpitations and are overcome by a feeling of dread when people ask about your hometown?

View of Innsbruck

For me, this question is confusing, sometimes even painful, and opens an boatload of new questions.
And I wondered this morning, how has this question, "Where are you from?" affected my time in Korea?

We moved to northern France in '09

The thing that stands out in my mind is that people only know half of my story here. This is A) because I don't speak Korean well enough to really communicate. And B) because Korea is a very mono-cultural country, and even when I do explain that:

(Insert rushed tone, as I rattle off the facts in one breath) "I was born in the States, but raised and went to school in Austria, then moved to France for three years in high school, before coming to the States. My mom is German, and I have German and US citizenship, but I have never lived in Germany, and only ever lived in the States for college." 

Many people don't realize here, that that means I have a very tenuous connection to the US, and identify a lot with Europe.

So in Korea, because I teach English, and Fulbright is an American organization, people view me as American first and foremost. And this is where it gets confusing:

Because I AM American, but I am also not.
Just as I AM German, but I am also not.

I am ok with that, and I think the years in college helped me make peace with the fact that I feel American, German, Austrian, and French all at once, and as a result sometimes don't feel like any of that. Still, all those nationalities are true parts of my identity.

Paris is only two hours away from where we live in Northern France, and the Notre Dame is my favorite cathedral.

So when my Korean co-workers and host-family view me only as one (or like Austrians, deny that I am one, because I wasn't born in Austria, to Austrian parents), it feels like they are missing out on what makes me me. But that's ok too. I am ok with people not knowing the whole story, not realizing that I am all my nationalities and none of them at the same time. (And I admit too, the facts are quite confusing).

Christmas market in Germany. We often spent parts of Christmas and the New Year in Germany with my grandma.

But it DOES mean that a lot of my Korean friends, co-workers and host-family don't really, and can't really understand that I am experiencing life in Korea not only as an American, but also as German, Austrian and French. And that is ok too.
And the beautiful thing is, my time in Korea has again confirmed a truth I also learned growing up as a Third Culture Kid: that we are more than where we come from.

Lille-France

Even though Koreans don't usually understand my confusing childhood story, we still find other points to relate and build relationships on. Maybe it's the Korean drama I watched the other day, or shared activities like piano lessons with my host sister. Maybe it's the fact that I love to eat Korean food, and my co-workers love to introduce me to new Korean food. And it definitely is my faith: I am a child of God, and that identity surpasses nationality.

Studying in the States from '12 to '16 helped me make peace with my American identity.

However, the ache in my chest, when people innocently ask me, "Where are you from?" Is witness to the fact that our nationalities also are an unavoidable part of who we are. And when you ask me "Where are you from?" I can't honestly name one single place.

South Korea, where I studied abroad Fall 2013, and now live teaching English.

Sang Dang Sanseong, a 15th century fortress in Cheongju, the city I live and teach in.

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