Mixed Feelings

The end is approaching, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Had you asked me just last week, "How do you feel about going home?" I would have responded, "I can't wait! I'm looking forward to EVERYTHING, and I am ready to leave Korea. It's been good, for sure...but I'm tired of being a foreigner, I'm tired of not fitting in, I'm tired of teaching young children, I'm tired of playing Pokemon with my host sisters (24/7), I'm just plain tired..."

Now...my response might be a little different. What changed? As soon as June changed into July, leaving became REAL. Before, leaving felt like a distant dream, a distant reality that might never come true, making me long for home all the more. But now that I truly, truly am leaving, I recognize a mix of feelings rising within me: Excitement, sadness, confusion, anticipation, happiness.

My oldest and youngest host sisters

I am happy, excited and anticipating home, because I have missed my family, friends and familiar surroundings. On July 21st, I get to go home to Germany, and then I get to go home to Austria, and then home to France, and in August, home to America. I have so many places I can call home, and I am excited to see the places and the people connected to them.

I am sad about going home, because I will truly, truly miss my host family and the friends I have made here. My host family has been a huge blessing, and they have helped me throughout some of the struggles of adapting to a new way of life. My friends also, most of them Fulbright ETAs themselves, have helped in sharing the difficulties and joys of teaching in this culture, and I will miss them.
On top of that, I will be giving up some of my independence, I will have people (family) relying on my again (more than my host family does at least), seeking my attention, and I can't simply give the excuse that I don't understand English or German. Moreover, my summer at home will be very short, and so I want to, and my family wants to, spend as much time together as possible...but I can feel in my bones that I will need alone time...and I'm not sure how to balance that with all the people I want to, and should, meet.

Another thing I will miss...sorta: One of the hardest things about living in Korea, has been not really understanding,or speaking the language. But this has also been a great freedom I have come to enjoy. I have been able to be alone with my thoughts, to sit in a the conference room at work, tuning out, day dreaming, pretty much forgetting to listen to my surroundings, because I don't understand Korean anyway. Most of the time I do try to pay attention, after all, I want to learn Korean, and listening is a great way to practice. But I have the freedom to zone out, and nobody cares. I have the freedom to be alone with my thoughts. It will take some effort at first to adapt to understanding everything that goes on around me. At first, it will drain me emotionally, and I am a little nervous about that.

Lastly, I am sad to say goodbye to Korea. It is a beautiful country, and a fascinating culture that is so different from any of my other cultures (French, German, American). The differences have been hard, and there are some differences I don't agree with, but now that I am leaving, the thought of maybe never coming back makes me sad.

With some 2nd graders who came to visit me at my desk

Well, bottom line, I have 14 more days in this country, and I want to make the most of them. And this summer, I want to make the most of my time in Europe- and grad school, the most of grad school. One thing I think God has been teaching me my whole life, through experiences in Korea and beyond is to live in the present, thanking Him for each day wherever we are.