The End Has Come

*Disclaimer: This post will be mostly about my host family. Scroll down for pictures.

Today is my last day in Korea.
For a while there, it felt like I would never, ever get a chance to write the above sentence. At times, this past year seemed to crawl at a snail's pace. But then the end came and looking back this year has indeed past quickly.

It's been filled with so many fun adventures and challenging experiences that have helped me grow and prepare for the future. I feel better equipped to begin seminary in the fall, I feel confirmed in my long-term goal of teaching at a University level, and I discovered that I am ready to settle down somewhere for longer than a semester or two. I want to have a chance to have house plants and join a book club.

But despite my excitement for the next steps God has planned for me, the best word to sum up my emotion today is: nauseous. I feel nauseous, queasy at the thought of leaving tomorrow. Part of it is the usual anticipation of airport stress, part of it is the thought that I might never come back to Korea (at least not in the foreseeable future). But most of it is realizing that I have to say goodbye to my host family, and the life I have built with them.

When I first met my host family almost a year ago, I knew God had provided a good home for me. I just didn't know in what way yet. All five of them have helped me, often without realizing it, through the difficulties of adjusting to Korean life.

• My host dad has a great sense of humor, and is not afraid of joking with me, despite my lack of Korean skills. He also has a never ending supply of patience listening to me explain something in broken Korean, throwing in a few English words and deciphering my intended meaning. 
• My host mom is calm and steady, and easy to approach when I have questions about Korean culture. I do not have to be afraid of offending her with culturally insensitive questions. 
• My oldest host sister shares her love for piano with me by showing me what she is learning, and letting me teach her some of what I know. We go to piano lessons together, and it has been a highlight of my year. 
• My middle host sister has a passion for bugs and would rather build something with legos or paper, instead of drawing or playing make-belief. She combines these passions by constructing paper bugs. She let me help her build bugs from her construction set. (A great honor)
• My youngest host sister (only 4) loves to practice English songs she is learning in Kindergarden, and then correcting my English when I don't "say it right" ('cause she knows sooooo much more English than I do...). Yesterday she corrected my English while reading a children's book to her...I don't think she understand the concept of "native speaker".

Whenever I came home from a hard day I could count on my host sisters' constant chatter and cheerful dispositions to distract me from my stress. Granted, sometimes I would feel frustration at never being alone, or never having privacy. But looking back, I didn't really need alone time or privacy as much as I thought. Instead, the girls have taught me patience, how to relate to children, and to be more flexible in the little things.

I have come to the end of my blog post that ended up being more of a homage to my host family than anything else!^^ But, I don't feel nauseous anymore! I think a big part of the stress of today is that I want to show my host family my appreciation and thankfulness for everything they have done for me...but my Korean skills aren't sufficient for much more than a, "reallllllly, really thank you".  But maybe that is enough.

My middle host sister also likes to practice English with me. The get these vocab cards in Kindergarden.

My oldest host sister with our piano teacher, who was so sweet and patience with my Korean skills!

The two youngest. These poses somewhat describe their personalities!^^

The entire host fam+me getting a foot bath together.

My youngest host sister wanted me to take a picture of her drawing.

 My host family took me to a beach resort my last weekend in Korea.

My oldest host sis

My host mom and two youngest host sisters getting ready to go to the beach. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mixed Feelings

The end is approaching, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Had you asked me just last week, "How do you feel about going home?" I would have responded, "I can't wait! I'm looking forward to EVERYTHING, and I am ready to leave Korea. It's been good, for sure...but I'm tired of being a foreigner, I'm tired of not fitting in, I'm tired of teaching young children, I'm tired of playing Pokemon with my host sisters (24/7), I'm just plain tired..."

Now...my response might be a little different. What changed? As soon as June changed into July, leaving became REAL. Before, leaving felt like a distant dream, a distant reality that might never come true, making me long for home all the more. But now that I truly, truly am leaving, I recognize a mix of feelings rising within me: Excitement, sadness, confusion, anticipation, happiness.

My oldest and youngest host sisters

I am happy, excited and anticipating home, because I have missed my family, friends and familiar surroundings. On July 21st, I get to go home to Germany, and then I get to go home to Austria, and then home to France, and in August, home to America. I have so many places I can call home, and I am excited to see the places and the people connected to them.

I am sad about going home, because I will truly, truly miss my host family and the friends I have made here. My host family has been a huge blessing, and they have helped me throughout some of the struggles of adapting to a new way of life. My friends also, most of them Fulbright ETAs themselves, have helped in sharing the difficulties and joys of teaching in this culture, and I will miss them.
On top of that, I will be giving up some of my independence, I will have people (family) relying on my again (more than my host family does at least), seeking my attention, and I can't simply give the excuse that I don't understand English or German. Moreover, my summer at home will be very short, and so I want to, and my family wants to, spend as much time together as possible...but I can feel in my bones that I will need alone time...and I'm not sure how to balance that with all the people I want to, and should, meet.

Another thing I will miss...sorta: One of the hardest things about living in Korea, has been not really understanding,or speaking the language. But this has also been a great freedom I have come to enjoy. I have been able to be alone with my thoughts, to sit in a the conference room at work, tuning out, day dreaming, pretty much forgetting to listen to my surroundings, because I don't understand Korean anyway. Most of the time I do try to pay attention, after all, I want to learn Korean, and listening is a great way to practice. But I have the freedom to zone out, and nobody cares. I have the freedom to be alone with my thoughts. It will take some effort at first to adapt to understanding everything that goes on around me. At first, it will drain me emotionally, and I am a little nervous about that.

Lastly, I am sad to say goodbye to Korea. It is a beautiful country, and a fascinating culture that is so different from any of my other cultures (French, German, American). The differences have been hard, and there are some differences I don't agree with, but now that I am leaving, the thought of maybe never coming back makes me sad.

With some 2nd graders who came to visit me at my desk

Well, bottom line, I have 14 more days in this country, and I want to make the most of them. And this summer, I want to make the most of my time in Europe- and grad school, the most of grad school. One thing I think God has been teaching me my whole life, through experiences in Korea and beyond is to live in the present, thanking Him for each day wherever we are.